Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
