Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
