your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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