i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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