Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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