you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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