i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I still have a little drunk in my system
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
