Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
