is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
