last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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