Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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