I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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