I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
