Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
