We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
