Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
