I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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