my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
