You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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