i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize
