I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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