If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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