If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
