It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
