I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
