yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
