in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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