I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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