I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
