Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
