Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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