everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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