I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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