i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
