the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
