she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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