So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
