Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Let's paint friendship bongs
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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