maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
