I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
