Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
