I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
