the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
