If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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