At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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