never play flip cup with pint glasses
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
