if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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