I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do