As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
