i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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