we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
