I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
