I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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