Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
