so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
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Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
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I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased