My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later