Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that