I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize