i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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