She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
