we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
