Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.