when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs