i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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