i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
