You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
