did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
