she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
